Revelation time...
Yesterday I had a revelation whilst driving to staff prayer...a very helpful revelation from the Lord!
For a long time now I've been trying to work out why I constantly feel dissatisfied with my experience of spending time with God. I seem to be going day to day with the unhelpful thought in my head "I'm not doing enough, I have to do better at walking with God!", essentially I have been putting on myself a need to "perform" for the Lord, to look right regardless of circumstances. Over the last few weeks I've had a few occasions where the Lord has been prodding at this and I've been realising that this isn't true but still I haven't been able to work out what has been going on and why I can't stop thinking that way...yesterday the Lord brought those things together!
The fact is that I am dissatisfied and frustrated but I have been taking that and beating myself up with my failings to do enough, that God was standing arms folded, a big frown on his face shaking his head at my efforts, yesterday I realised it isn't God adopting that pose...it's me! I am not happy with myself, not because I've not been doing enough, but because what I have been doing is no longer enough for God but it's no longer enough to satisfy my thirst for the Lord! What I was using to drive myself down and down God has been wanting to use to excite me that I am desiring to go deeper into what he has for me.
I'm not satisfied...but that isn't demoralising anymore it's exciting!
For a long time now I've been trying to work out why I constantly feel dissatisfied with my experience of spending time with God. I seem to be going day to day with the unhelpful thought in my head "I'm not doing enough, I have to do better at walking with God!", essentially I have been putting on myself a need to "perform" for the Lord, to look right regardless of circumstances. Over the last few weeks I've had a few occasions where the Lord has been prodding at this and I've been realising that this isn't true but still I haven't been able to work out what has been going on and why I can't stop thinking that way...yesterday the Lord brought those things together!
The fact is that I am dissatisfied and frustrated but I have been taking that and beating myself up with my failings to do enough, that God was standing arms folded, a big frown on his face shaking his head at my efforts, yesterday I realised it isn't God adopting that pose...it's me! I am not happy with myself, not because I've not been doing enough, but because what I have been doing is no longer enough for God but it's no longer enough to satisfy my thirst for the Lord! What I was using to drive myself down and down God has been wanting to use to excite me that I am desiring to go deeper into what he has for me.
I'm not satisfied...but that isn't demoralising anymore it's exciting!
posted by andyd @ 5:20 pm
5 Comments:
At 7:02 pm,
Peter Whitfield said…
It's exciting to hear you're getting along with the Lord. :-)
At 11:19 am,
Anonymous said…
Long time reader, first time poster. But what you've written resonates with what i'm thinking. You're further on than i am as i'm not quite sure it's exciting!
Thanks for helping me up that step!
Le Fox.
At 4:02 pm,
Landon Jones said…
Andy,
I'm so glad you posted that. I feel the same way recently. Our support raising is bogging me down and i keep thinking that it is my fault that more isn't happening. It's so hard for me not to view God as this angry boss who is disappointed in me.
I appreciate you posting that because it reminded me that I need to correct my limited view of God (again!).
At 9:21 pm,
Peter Whitfield said…
hey Andy... I just re-read your blog and realised He's teaching us simular things from across the ocean... There's no need to perform! I hope you're still not 'performing'. You're accepted [full stop]
At 5:52 pm,
The Keates said…
Andy. Thanks for your breathtaking honesty. I pray God will draw you closer to him as his child and you'll know the depth of his love - we can always come just as we are and boy that's been a helpful reminder for me. Love you Ceri
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